In today’s political climate, we’re hearing a lot of anti-American rhetoric; people are questioning whether the country we live in today is the one that our Founding Fathers envisioned. They question whether the American Dream lives on, or if we have abandoned that which made us so exceptional. Well, I am writing today to give you proof that American exceptionalism still exists in the home of the whopper. I present to you Eddie the Umpire, an American treasure.
(Photo by Mark Mauno)
Listen, not a lot of umpires can steal the show. It takes a special blend of charisma, enthusiasm for the game of baseball, and pure stupidity to be able to do what Eddie the Umpire has done. Personally, I want to see a whole lot more of Eddie the Umpire. If MLB Commish Rob Manfred were as big-brained as I am, he would use Eddie in the MLB All-Star Game. They took away the only valuable event in the Midsummer Classic this offseason anyway, so if they’re gonna make the game meaningless, why not give us Eddie the freaking Umpire? Give us Eddie! We want Eddie! Get this bundle of fat and electricity out of whatever bum weekend league in New Jersey that he’s in, and call him up to the big leagues. Or better yet, let’s get boring, old, white lawyers like Joe West or Jim Wolf to try to replicate the pure savagery of Eddie the Umpire. Guess what? They can’t do it! Not a chance!
Imagine Bryce Harper stepping to the plate and watching a fastball nip the outside corner for strike three with Eddie the Umpire back there. That would be some goddamn entertainment. You really find out what kind of man you are when you‘ve got Eddie the Umpire ringing you up. If you’re a crybaby, you’re gonna get exposed really quickly. On the other hand, if you’ve got thick skin and believe in making baseball fun again, you’re gonna hustle back to the bench with a smile.
Eddie the Umpire takes the idea of baseball etiquette and kicks dirt all over it. And ya know what? If you don’t like it, you can go pound sand. Seriously--don’t strike out if you don’t want Eddie the Umpire to do the “can’t touch this” dance all over your grave.
“I have movement that’s unheard of.” -Eddie the Umpire
Give me Eddie the Umpire or give me death!
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