Perfectly in line with Third and Long’s ongoing battle with its haters and their “stick to sports” slogan, it’s time for the first ever installment of Male Athlete Smokeshow of the Week.
There’s no better way to begin things than with the hottest piece of you-know-what in the entire sports world: Bartolo Colon. Ah yes, Big Sexy. Not only has Colon won the Cy Young award, but I’m pretty sure he’s also won People’s Sexiest Man Alive eight different times. Colon has been the face of the MLB for 20 years, capturing the hearts of all sports fans with his dashing good looks and deep, chocolate-brown eyes.
This stunning 44-year-old returns this year for his 21st MLB season as a member of the Texas Rangers.
Colon seems to be happy about his current team––he said recently that he “is where he wants to be, because he doesn't have to hit or run.” (Garro, MLB.com)
Personally, I’m extremely disappointed by this; who could forget when Big Sexy hit his first career home run two seasons ago? Everyone who has ever seen this home run certainly felt a little tingling below the belt when all 285 pounds of Bartolo trotted around those bases after this monster dinger into the stands.
It’s likely that we will never again see this lethargic lovely waddle his way into the batter’s box, and I’ll be the first to tell you that baseball is worse off for it.
If we’re going to break down the logistics of Big Sexy winning the very first Smokeshow of the Week––and we are––I would categorize the criteria necessary for victory in three distinct ways:
Moxie: In the show-biz world, we refer to someone’s moxie as his or her tendency to attract the camera. Big Sexy has a Dominican smolder that basically begs to be on film. However, Big Sexy has fallen out of public eye in recent years; after finishing last season with a 6.48 ERA, there were rumors he wouldn’t play again before signing with the Rangers. Moxie - 8.5/10.
Sexy: Who could possibly exemplify sexy better than Big Sexy himself? I’d define sexiness as raw, animalistic appeal, and oh boy does Colon have a lot of that. I don’t think you could find this sort of raw energy in anyone not named Big Sexy, and it’s possible that he cultivated this appeal in the Dominican, when he used to ride his donkey “Pancho” to play baseball. Sexiness is a bit of an understatement for the man who is literally trying to trademark “Big Sexy.” Sexy - 11/10
Mysterious: Bartolo Colon might be the most mysterious figure in the history of the world. Legend has it that when he was a kid, Little Sexy threw rocks at coconuts to build arm strength. Also, please enjoy this video of Bartolo feeding pigeons to “I Believe I Can Fly.” Mysterious - 9.5/10
Overall grade: 29/30
Consider this a PSA: savor Big Sexy while we have him, because the world may never see anyone so big and so sexy again.
(Images via ESPN, Curtis Compton, tradingcarddb.com, 12UP, and MLB.com)
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