(“Moot Court” is a competition at Concord-Carlisle High School in which teams of two go head-to-head arguing Supreme Court cases from the past)
(via _marcusd_ on Twitter)
Here’s the deal: I’ve gotten a lot of complaints recently regarding these power rankings--accusations are flying around.
“How you could put Matt and Mariya second, they’re moot court gods.”
“Are you really gonna place me fourth in the power rankings even though I have a 49% chance of winning my next case?”
“You just put Tucker first because you’re friends.”
I don’t like Tucker either, alright guys? And let’s all remember that I didn’t watch a second of the second-round cases. Not a second. I’m Rumpelstiltskin spinning a golden blog out of crap I know nothing about, so please don’t be sensitive to what you see in these rankings. I would like to take this time to officially DISAVOW all of the conspiracies, criticisms, and accusations I have received since releasing my Second Round Moot Court Rankings.
With that being said, I’m going to make a concerted effort to protect everyone’s feelings and am going to use the Michael Scott grading system from the Office episode “Beach Games.”
Basically, it’s gonna make no sense whatsoever.
Did it intimidate me when someone directly messaged me faciously saying that they enjoyed my rankings? Not at all.
Here’s my list, definitely not in order from the pair I think is most likely to win to the pair I think is least likely to win:
Matthew Li and Mariya Shitiliyanova: ONE GOLD STAR
Wow, this is a gold star group if I’ve ever seen one. I didn’t watch their case, didn’t ask anyone about it, and honestly didn’t even bother to check if they won, but I’m pretty sure they dominated. At some point in the coming week, Third and Long will be dropping our 20 most dominant athletes of the last 20 years rankings. Please don’t be surprised to see these two Moot Court darlings packed somewhere in the 17-19 range in my personal list.
Tucker Boynton and Aidan Zinck: 10 POINTS
I had them as my number one duo last week, but my only concern is just how top heavy this roster is. Throughout Concord-Carlisle Moot Court history, one thing has remained consistent: The team that’s able to get it done and win it all has two academic weapons manning its roster, not just one. I crunched the numbers, and Aidan Zinck has a staggering 67.4 VAR (votes above replacement) to this point in the tournament, leading all eight remaining contenders. Boynton/Zinck fans will be on their knees praying that the man who made the “glasses push” iconic has enough left in the tank to carry them past Walton and Kielty.
Daisy Kielty and Nicole Walton: A-
Batman and Robin. Jordan and Pippen. Brady and Belichick. Walton and Kielty. God and Jesus. Just ripping off some of the greatest duos of my lifetime. Batman and Robin are pretty cool. God and Jesus have done a lot to help humanity, I guess. Could any of them beat Walton and Kielty in a Moot Court matchup?
Davis Van Inwegen and Jake "Stick to Sports" Hamilton: 8.4/10
Davis has a really sick American flag pin that he wears on his suits when he argues cases. About a year ago, I bought one that looked just like it but lost it on the ride home. True story. I had it in my hand one second, the next it was lost to the deep dark abyss that is the space between the seat and the middle console. My mom was really mad at me. Davis’ suits are fly as hell, but he is moving in to the second quarter of ceramics, meaning he’ll be on the wheel every other week until the school year concludes. Will this mean trouble for his dank suit game? Time will tell.
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