“What is the meaning of life?” was once thought to be the most interesting, thought provoking, and stumping question of our lifetime. Ladies and gentlemen, I am here today to inform you that this is no longer the case. The age-old question has been dethroned by an inquiry posed to the masses in the form of a meme.
The question goes:
I’ve heard a lot of different theories on this question but I can confidently say that I have the best of them: you have to pick the rats. You don’t have a choice. There are ten thousand of them. No matter what else you pick, the rats will be able to either scurry pass them or overwhelm them and then you will be picked apart by no fewer than 2,000 remaining rats.
While talking to a certain someone, he voiced the opinion that “you could just step on [the rats]” as they came close. You’d have to be an idiot to think that you could step on 2,000 rats and fend them off by yourself. They would just climb on you and bite you. You could stomp on a maximum of probably a single rat at a time and each stomp would take around 7 seconds each. Here's how I know I’m right about that: the world record for killing rats is 100 in 5 minutes and 28 seconds by a 13 pound bull terrier in 1862. 328 seconds divided by 100 rats is 3.28 rats per second for the greatest rat killer of all time. If you are crazy enough to think you are on the same level as Jacko the bull terrier when it comes to killing rats, please humble yourself. The dog holds the world record at 3.28 seconds per rat, so stop pretending you can fend off 2,000+ rats. Nobody has ever been better at killing rats than Jacko the bull terrier, and even he wouldn’t have been able to pull off that Herculean feat.
Now, I wouldn’t be Box Score Bishop if I didn't break down the physique and technique of the rats, so here it goes: rats can grow to a length of 10 inches long. 10 freaking inches long. I think there’s a popular misconception that rats and mice are just all the same and one wouldn’t beat the other in a fight, but rats are like five times the size of the average mouse. They are basically the size of a slightly below average sized dog.
Would everyone please give up the fight and admit that I’m right about 10,000 rats? 10,000 rats would be the most vicious fighting force the world has ever seen, and no crocodiles would dare to stand up to them. I am so confident in my rats that I’m willing to forfeit my other choice. All they would do is get in the way of the rats. I’d even be willing to go as far as to say I could conquer the world with 10,000 rats. That’s how sure I am in the power of the rats.They are so gross, so vicious, so disease-filled, and so physically intimidating that I think I could bring the world to its knees with 10,000 of them. If you don’t believe me, consider this: one female rat can reproduce at a rate of 500 times per every 6 hours. I would have the world's most powerful army in like 3 days and the world would be mine.
The world better hope that #TeamCrosby doesn’t manage to get its hands on some rats.
(Photo courtesy of Barstool Sports)
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