Who would you rather be: Tom Brady or Justin Bieber?
The argument for Tom Brady is obvious. I bet even Scott Crosby could follow this simple string of logic, and he’s a man who can’t seem to figure out how percentages work (see T&L Bracket Competition).
Brady is idolized in New England. The ladies (and plenty of men like me) swoon over his dashing good looks and totally legitimate hairline. Brady is a five-time Super Bowl champion who has pieced together a convincing argument to be remembered as the greatest athlete of all time. Is his life really that fun though?
For each awesome thing that Brady has going for him--and there are a lot of awesome things Brady has going for him--there is always massive responsibility that goes along with it.
Here’s an example: he has a $100m mansion in Brookline Massachusetts, which is really cool when you are a 41 year-old married man with three children. But here’s a drawback: everyone who yells at me for writing this blog and vehemently disagrees with this take, please tell me that you want to be a 41 year-old man with three children instead of a twenty-four year old pop star. Please tell me that you want to have hundreds of millions of dollars and a mansion in Brookline Massachusetts. Seriously, imagine being as rich and famous as Tom Brady and being forced to settle down in Brookline. This isn’t to throw shade at the good people of Brookline; I’m sure they have fun and enjoy their lives. But I’m also sure that every single one of them would be somewhere warm and exciting if they had a hundred-million dollars.
Now tell me that you want to be the greatest quarterback of all time. WeLl oF COurSe I WaNT to bE tHe GreatEsT QuartErbaCK of AlL tiMe, RyaN. We all would; that’s pretty cool. You know what isn’t cool? You know what isn’t fun? The quantity of work Brady puts into football. There’s a reason Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time despite being maybe the hundredth-most talented: he puts way more work into it than anyone ever. We all saw Tom vs. Time, where he sits in front of his crappy little Dell laptop watching film all day. As glamorous as Sundays may be when you are Tom Brady, every other day of the year sucks. Do you think Saturdays are for the boys when you are Tom Brady? Ha! Saturdays are for taking your little children to the park. Honestly, a lot of Sundays suck for Brady too. As perfect as he may be, he isn’t the only player on the football team, and every time the Patriots lose it’s his fault. Even as the greatest of all time, he has lost a lot, most recently in the Super Bowl 52 versus the Eagles.
Brady works for a dictator that censors free speech and will get rid of you as soon as you are no longer useful to him, will have CTE in twenty years, has a wife and three children and all of the responsibilities that go along with it, and needs to work his ass off to stay on top.
Honestly, who wouldn’t rather live the life of Justin Bieber. He’s unmarried. He has no kids. Justin Bieber can do what he wants when he wants without a care in the world. Does he get criticized? Kind of, but not really. Every time Bieber gets caught doing drugs or cheating on Selena Gomez (which has been like seventy times), he just goes on Ellen and gets the lightest interview of all time. Tom Brady is still answering questions from idiots like Rob Parker and Ben Volin about PSI in footballs.
I’d also love to refute the notion that Bieber isn’t a savage. Bieber’s a huge savage. A Big Baller if I’ve ever seen one. Just think about some of his lyrics… Boston fans loved it when Paul Pierce was the truth, didn’t they? Well I’ve got breaking moos for you, Bostonians: Bieber’s the truth now. If you don’t believe me, he’ll tell you himself.
Yeah, you're lookin' at the truth
The money never lie, no
I'm the one, yeah, I'm the one
Savage. Big Baller. The Truth. The One.
Life advice: If it’s the truth you want, just remember that the money never lies, alright?
Bieber climbed to the top when he was thirteen and now he’s punching down on all those fake pretenders who want to be like him.
I mean maybe I’m biased. I’ve been known to throw on one of Bieber's five million bangers at a party or when I roll up to school every morning, but who couldn’t love the guy? Who wouldn’t want to be that guy? He’s got it made. He’s got the millions, the talent, the pristine lack of responsibility, and most importantly an edge that Bill Belichick and his own PR staff simply won’t let Brady have--Bieber’s in the Hamptons and Malibu throwing down with celebrities and billionaires while Brady is sitting in a sweaty film room getting screamed at by Bill Belichick. I mean, come on. Choose Bieber.
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